Well for all those who believe in God, don’t read this. I know there are many people who do and that’s fine. I on the other hand do not, if there is a “God” then that person has taken everyone in my life that has done good, someone that I looked up too. I can honest say I don’t believe in “God” an that an opinion, and opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. I recently watched a show that had one episode about God and it made me mad. Everyone makes “God” out to be this great person, a saint. If “God” is such a saint why are there children dying in pain from horrible deaths and in pain? Why take the people who are trying to do good in the world? I know when I die there will be no heaven for me, I have made bad choices and there are things I regret and I don’t believe. I have come to the realization and accepted my fate. When I die I don’t know what will happen if there is a heaven or he’ll or just eternal darkness or just nothing. I want to believe in heaven so I can see my loved ones that were ripped from me to quickly. I want to be with my grandfather and spend time with him where I can remember everything. I want to see him and not be an ignorant child. I took him for granted, I was a child and didn’t appreciate things like that. I just can not bring myself to believe in something so trivial to me. I can’t hope for something I do nog know for certain. I will not spend my life worshipping a person or figment of our imagination just to get an afterlife or the concept everyone thinks there is one. I will not bend down to someone that may not be certain, just someone from stories that I grew up with. Someone I feel have taken the most precious things in my life. I don’t not believe in something that people spend their whole lives worshipping and in the end we do not know if it was worth it. I can volunteer and help my community without worshipping “God” or a higher power. The power is in ourselves to make a difference, we should not do it because we think after death we will see pearl hates and then be granted eternal life. I live my life in the moment and to the fullest, not in the shadow of a man that is no better than us. Like I said it’s just my opinion if you believe in him so be it, I’m not here to judge. It’s your life not mine. In the end of the day I’m happy for my parents, sisters, brother, family friends, and my boyfriend. Not someone I have never seen or even know if he is real. I will not bow.
So I am not taking my depression medicine for the weekend, due to having nausea. Although there is a twenty four hour stomach bug going around so I’m off the meds until Monday and if me feeling like carp it from the meds then I get to switch or just try it for two weeks and see if it gets any better. I don’t think I should be on the meds because if I wanted to feel nausea all the time like a pregnancy may have, I would go get pregnant. But I don’t so I would rather switch meds and not feel pregnant, and no there is no possible way I’m pregnant. First off got blood work done and nothing came back and I know for a fact it’s impossible, so I think I’m good. But that was not what I wanted to talk about, I want to talk about my mom. Don’t get me wrong I love her to death but sometimes I’m fairly sure she is bipolar. She snaps for no reason and gets mad at me about everything. It’s crazy I’m not sure if I can handle it anymore, I really don’t think I can. So tonight I go over to my neighbors house to smoke a cigarette with them because they are great people. Well I went over after eleven pm and came back at eleven forty five pm. I just got in trouble for being there to long. I just don’t get it I have moved out of my parents house and lived with my boyfriend and yes I may be home now but I am still an adult and shouldn’t be treated this way. She treats me like I’m a child and then wonders why I get an attitude with her when she gets snippy with me or starts to complain to me about being at the neighbor’s. One minute she is fine and then the next minute she is in a bad mood, she can be put into a bad mood so easily and its hard. Being around her is like walking on egg wheels or walking in a field with thousands of land mines, which is a perfect analogy since you have to be careful what you say. If you say the wrong thing to her BOOM!! Your done for, she will rip into with no remorse or hesitation. It can be very bad depending on what you said or did to start it and what you say or do while she is yelling at you. I don’t know if I really can do this anymore, I really don’t. It’s difficult I don’t know if anyone reading this has a parent or parents like this but, if you do and need help I’m here or if you have tips for me HELP!!! But until then stay classy 🙂
So after my ordeal I went to the doctors the next day. I have the feeling like I am messed up and there is something wrong with me. My moods are up and down, my sleeping schedule is messed up, and I’m not feeling like myself. So I decided I’m done feeling sorry for myself, no more mood swings (well just not all the time, because I am a female), no more sleeping all the time and only sleeping during the day. I finally decided to take my life back into my own hands. Well when I get to my doctors and tell her everything that I happening she gets very concerned thinking my father abuses me. Which is definitely not the case, my dad maybe stern and not really compassionate but he would never hit me or my brother or sister’s. My dad is a good father and only wants what is best for us, so yeah that means telling us stuff we don’t like to hear but, stuff we have to hear. Once that was pushed from the picture we got down to it, the depression. I told her everything, why I thought I was, what my symptoms are, and how i have tried to fix it. And trust me I have but it’s like a mosquito bite once you notice it, it’s there and you know until it goes away. It bothers you and makes its self known to you, maybe not others but you know. So we then talked about everything I have to do, I have to think of seven different fun things I like to do and do one everyday of every week. Also I was prescribed a medicine that, well my parents are not to fond of it. One of the side effects was that suicidal thoughts are more persistent in someone taking this medicine. Which I understand medicine for “major depression”, as my doctor called it, this side effect is common. It does scare me though that I could be in this state of mind, simply because I have so much going for me. I have a wonderful family and siblings that look up to me, awesome neighbors whom watch out for me and really care, and an amazing boyfriend that in my eye is on of the best things to ever happen to me. There is so much I want to do in my life that I haven’t gotten the chance to do yet and insight want to miss out. I know I seem like a person that is happy about life but I do get my down moments just like everyone else, the only difference is when I get mine I hit the bottom hard. So now I’m trying to think of seven things to do, one for everyday and taking medicine that could potentially make me self-harm. So I’m very scared if i do get a low moment on this medicine, I’m truly afraid of the outcome. So I will keep you posted on not only the seven fun things that I some how have to come up with and how the meds are treating me. So until then stay classy. 🙂
So recently I have been battling depression, and I know some people don’t like it when you say “battling” because it not like I’m battling cancer or a cold. Although depression in a mental disease, once you get it once you are more susceptible to being burdened with it again and again, and again. This is now my third time having it and I knew exactly what is was when I first started showing the symptoms, and when I have depression my mother gets very worried that I was self harm. Which is not the case but she is my mother and worries, completely understandable. Well yesterday was a bad day for me, I got into a yelling battle with my dad, broke down and cried to my mom and almost got arrested. Yea crazy day for me but, for you I will rewind and explain what happened. So you see for the last couple of weeks, well actually since my boyfriend moved to Scranton and I moved back in with my parents I became depressed. When I am I sleeping, a lot! Lately since the depression started I have been up all night and then go to bed at six in the morning and then sleep till two or three in the afternoon. Well my dad was finally done with me sleeping all the time and he started to yell at me in the yard in front of our neighbors and everything. I got extremely mad and started to yell back, normally I keep it quiet and let him yell, with yelling back at him it makes everything worse but everything built up inside of me and I exploded. Well then I started to cry, which is not like me. So I knew that I needed to call my doctor and did and scheduled an appointment for today. Well when I picked up my mom from work she knew something was wrong. So when we arrived back home she walked in the house and started to yell at my dad because she knew I was depressed and he made it worse. Well then I just had to go walk so I turned on my music and drowned my worries in the lyrics, melodies, and bass of the music. I then walked home after an hour of walking in the cold, but I was so upset and sidetracked that my body was on fire so I never felt the cold. It was like I was numb to everything except th music flowing into me and making me remember that it’s jot always this bad. Well when unperturbed home was father was still awake, he works third shift so I thought he would be sleeping. Acting as if the fight had never happened that my sorrowies were not to his concern. When I walked through the door I saw him sitting on the couch and turned around and went to my neighbors. Joey answered the door and came out to smoke with me, but that’s not all he hugged me. I know that’s not a big deal but, to me it is. It wasn’t an oh I want you hug it was a genuine worried hug. He talked to me and calmed me down and made me feel better. He was not like a father to me than my own father was at the time. Then he dragged me to dollar General with him and we saw my mom and told me the constable was there for me. I owed $10 for the fines for my car accident last September. Ten fricken dollars and they were gonna have him arrest me and take me there, but because of how late it was I would of sat in jail for the night and had to wait free r the court house to open. Well Joey paid $76.40 (the ten for the fine and the fees for the constable). My parents are going to pay him back Friday, but that was just great of him and I appreciate it so much. Then we wen to dollar General and he bought me melatonin to help me sleep at night. And we went to Berrigans sub shop to get him and permit, his wife/girlfriend dinner and he bought me a half too. They have been so great to me but that’s for a different post. And then I came home took my melatonin, got a shower then fell asleep. This morning I woke up at 6:50 am! I was so surprised and I went to the doctors appointment for my depression but I’ll leave that for another post too. So check back in to see what happened at my doctors appointment today, and all the crazy things I have to do. So until then stay classy! 🙂
So since I last wrote a lot has happened, like my sewer being backed up all weekend and not being able to use water, shower, or our toilets all weekend. Which was a huge inconvenience to everyone is the house, we were taking buckets of water out from our tub from trying to get showers or baths for my sister’s. We couldn’t let the water drain or flush toilets or we had a pool in our basement. Of course we have a landlord that is cheap and will try to go the cheapest route in everything. And to make it worse we are neighbor’s, we live in a half a double and this is his first property he has owned. Well he likes to fix his side up and ours hasn’t been fixed or even touched by him since we were affected by the 2011 flood. We need new window because when it is windy, air races into our home. We have tried putting plastic up but that can be ripped from the pane of the Windows and won’t stay, we have stapled, taped and used a shrink wrap type thing. None have worked and he had brand new Windows put in his side and when my father asked if we would be getting new Windows as well our landlord said that he couldn’t do any work to our house unless he raises rent. So as you can see we are really in a jam and things are becoming harder. We also have black mold growing in our bathroom and we have told him and asked him repeatedly to fix it and we brought it up when he bought the house and he said he would fix it, three years ago. My mother has been sick for two months now and we are thinking it’s from the black mold but we can’t be certain. So we are trying to do what we can to take care of it but nothing is working. So now out sewer has been backed up three times since September. He had a plumber come and he said if this happens again we would need the pipe replaced. Well when this happened our landlord said he wouldn’t call a plumber until Monday so he doesn’t have to pay emergency fees. Well Monday rolled around and he called the plumber and the plumber said he couldn’t be here until Friday. So our landlord took it into his own hands and was down in the basement trying it himself, which we now can use our toilets and shower without having to take buckets full of water from the tub. Although it is fixed he didn’t do the seal correctly so it still leaks nasty sewer water, but we can use out bathrooms once again. So you could say this was one crazy weekend running to the store or a neighbours to use the rest room, or taking buckets of nasty sewer water from the basement or tub, and trying to get showers. I’m happy it is finally fixed and I have the freedom to use the bathroom when I want or to get a shower when I want again. So never take being able to get a shower whenever you want or to use your own bathroom for granit. Well considering it 4 a.m. I better go to bed, goodnight.
So I’m new to this and I’m not really sure what I’m doing. I’m hoping that this works I have always tried to keep a journal or diary what ever you want to call it and it never worked. And for only being nineteen I have been through a lot and my friends all say I’m good at giving advice. So this is not a blog about one set thing this is a blog about the life of an average nineteen year old living in society and healing with what is thrown her way. So for a background I am the oldest out of five children. I have a younger brother Austin who is fifteen, Alyssa who is seven, and Brenna who is five. Ever since Brenna was little we called her Moe because her hair always looked like a Mohawk even when we would brush it down. Then my two parents Harry and Andrea and my wonderful and amazing boyfriend Archie who is twenty. I now am living back at home with my parents, I wasn’t always I had my own apartment with Archie. Obviously that did not work out at all, as you can tell. That is a while new story that I will leave for another blog. But if no one were to read this blog or some do and do not like it that is okay with me. This is the blog about my crazy, confusing, weird and messed up life, but I wouldn’t change it for the world well I wouldn’t change everything. This is my story and my life and how I am making it through.